CHOICE OR REALITY?

I came to the office today and saw an email from a relative who isn't too accepting of what I am doing. In her words, “I don't agree with what you're about to do to yourself and I keep praying that something happens to stop you. I wish you could wait until you're older. I can understand that a person can feel more inclined to the opposite gender than their own and thats why we hear girls being called tomboys coz they behave like boys or boys being called sissies coz they behave like gals. what I cant understand is going to the extreme of actually changing your body by taking drugs through out your life and even doing surgery to change your organs - organs which have already been created and formed perfectly and are not deformed in any way.”

So I felt inclined to reply and pour my heart out. Eventually I thought it would be nice to share this with you. My thoughts:-

Its not gonna be smooth sailing.

Here was the reply.

Hey.

I have said this before and i will say it again since i totally understand how or why it is very hard for you to understand, let alone accept who i am. You have no idea how tormenting this issue has been on me all my life however short its been. No one ever wants to be unhappy or feel tormented or sad or confused or depressed or stressed or have ulcers as a result of such. I never chose this for myself. I have prayed feverently that i go one way. I have stressed myself when i was younger trying to fit into this masculinity that i supposedly belonged to. I even had my Christian friends pray for me, 'kuniwekelea mikono'(laying hands on me) and stuff like that. I have been suffering in silence and the only thing that kept me going was my faith in God. He is the only reason i kept on living. Believe it or not, I have considered suicide several times in my life. I still wish this wasnt happening and that i was just a normal young handsome man who would one day marry a beautiful girl and live a normal life. Its not the case. Its not my fault. I cannot blame God. I cannot say its Satan. Actually I don't know. Maybe it is. I don't know. All I know right now is that, even if currently i look like those tomboys coz I'm a girl, I'm happy. I now live as Linsay. A girl. One that has always existed since January 2nd 1988 usiku. She never knew what was going on. She never knew why it was happening. Why she loved dressing up in her moms clothes yet everyone told her 'stop doing that! you are a boy!'. She was so confused when it was so easy doing girl stuff like playing 'kalongo' and 'kati' and 'bladder' and 'hapo' and playing with dolls, yet when it came to interacting with 'fellow boys', it was difficult; an uphill task. She would get so worried and confused and have mixed feelings when she would get nick names such as 'kasuppuu' in primary and when boys her age would treat her differently from her 'fellow boy-mates'. She kept wondering why it was so easy relating with girls than it was relating with boys in that primary school. She got even more confused when puberty hit and all her feelings were feminine. Her gait, mannerisms and even thought process. She wondered why she couldn't be like her 'fellow boy-mates'. It was hard for her. To make matters more confusing, since puberty was also there for her friends, the ones in the same dorm as she would like to tease her, telling her how pretty she was and some even went to the extent of touching her in 'suggestive' ways. She stressed over why boys did that to her asking herself 'si we are all boys?'. Her stressed shot up even more when one boy blackmailed her into having 'relations' with her because she lost something of his. This was emotional rape. It was horrendous. Doing something unwillingly. She wondered, 'aren't there girls in this school that he could go for? why me?'. Thats a question that would repeat itself in her mind all through her young life "Why Me??". Her spiritual life fell apart. The confusion grew rapidly. Her stress levels skyrocketed. She was diagnosed with stress induced ulcers. She contemplated suicide. It wasnt easy. She couldn't do it. She still believed there was a reason why she was going through what she was. She sought for answers in the Internet. She saw 'gay' and thought, 'no this isn't me. I'm not a man, but then this body...'. She saw transsexual/transgender. Then had the 'aha!' moment....

I could go on, but i hope you get my drift. It was not a choice I made to be who I am, it was the choice to embrace my reality and be happy that i made. I seriously do wish it was different; 'in tandem with the norm'. Its not. Someone described this as "Having the brain of a girl and the body parts of a boy". Thats me. Crazy, yes. Delinquent? Maybe. Human? Yes. Very. I am happy. Happier than i have ever felt in my entire life. I now see my future happening. I now see myself fulfilling properly all the dreams i have and had. I now can be myself and not worry about whether I am 'convincing enough'.

In any case, I thank you for being there for me, when you were there and even now when you cant stand what I'm doing.

May God Bless you and help you understand, somehow.



Yours,

Lindsay.

A DAILY STRUGGLE

During the time I have been in this new job, I have had the opportunity to do lots and lots of reading and research on these trans issues and all the hullabaloo about transgender, transsexuals and transvestite persons. Indeed there is much more to read about and learn but most of the information (got mainly from the Internet) is the same and is true.

When I sat down and decided to write something to put into the blog, I couldn't help but think about all I had read about the struggles, pains, joys, sorrows, fights, love, hate, acceptance, rejection, and all that the transgender/ transsexual people have gone through in being who they really are. I draw a lot of my thoughts from the community here in Kenya and specifically from one activist who had dedicated practically her whole life including experiences to educating the general public (here in reference, the Kenyan public) about the transgender community in Kenya, about what they go through, their issues with the law in relation to registration, medical issues such as the lack of policies and so forth.

Im sure most of you who know me, maybe in person or just by guesswork know exactly who I am talking about and for those who don't, its easy to know since if you Google her name or just the words 'Kenya' and 'transgender' together, most of the articles are by her. She is eloquent, intelligent, can be difficult and downright annoying because she may come across as insensitive or arrogant but if you filter that out you are able to know where she is coming from. I like her articles, mostly because it gives the trans community in Kenya a voice and a chance for the willing-to-learn public to know and understand what it is we fight for daily.

In Kenya its very difficult to survive as a trans woman. Maybe its so even for other places in the world. I read somewhere that its easier for a FTM to transition than it is for a MTF. Why? Because basically the foetus in the womb when developing, is firstly female cum androgynous then if its a male, it graduates into its masculine state while if its female it just develops into the female from where it was initially. I have just put this in a very simple way and I am sure there are tons of mistakes and miss-outs. But I hope you get the point.

First of all, there are absolutely no laws that govern such incidences or persons. So we are neither supported by law, nor are we against it. It simply doesn't exist! As the activist I spoke about earlier says in one of her articles, it is important that we try and have some laws put in place to help out our tribulations. One such issue is the one of birth certificates and identity cards. Because most transgender persons grow in their birth gender upto adult age, they end up getting ID cards that indicate the name and gender that they are so against to but have no other choice but to accept. Secondly, even when such persons have discovered that they are indeed transgendered, there are no medical policies and/or guidelines that assist in the correct measures to be undertaken in such a case. For example, many medical practitioners in Kenya do not believe that trans people exist and hence, when encountered with such a case, shun it away saying there is no such thing, “these things only happen in the west”.

I have written a lot on what is going on and I totally forgot to mention what I am experiencing myself since this blog is supposed to be based on what is happening to me. But it would be very selfish of me to write all the time about myself when I am surrounded by bigger things than I can imagine.

As my friend told me once, “These things are bigger than you are. Its not always about you you you.”.
May have sounded harsh but its true. The picture is indeed big. My only hope is that the role I play, however small it may seem, will one day be seen as useful and eventually helpful.

We all have struggles. We just handle them in different ways.

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!!!

Its approximately one month since I started Transitioning and my new job. I have lots of stuff to be thankful for. First of all, its been a month and I am coping well. I am learning to ignore the stares and to keep my head up. I am learning to be myself and not to worry too much. Somehow, the first few weeks were stressful. I kept shivering whenever I had to walk in town and probably interact with people. Somehow, slowly all this fear is shedding off slowly. I am learning to tell myself that we are all unique, weird and self conscious. We fear what we don't understand, most people do actually, and thus, let go of the fear as you embrace understanding.
My hair is growing slowly, I am planning to make it look better, somewhat weirder! But thats me. I want to see how I look and I pretty much don't care what people think about it.
I still am slightly worried about where I live since I haven't moved out of the place and so most people there knew me or have seen me before in say suits and ties! So I think its quite weird for them. (see, I don't want to be just about me me me, but also those around me.).
Work is going on well, we just finished a huge project that involved meeting people from the LGBTI community in East and South Africa together with their Donors. It was a real learning experience and I got to meet other transgender persons, most of them being FTM's. It was very informative and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
I went out for a Bash, basically involving the Q-Community!! It was a blast! I strutted out in my best outfit (The only one I had! Lol!) and made sure I had the most fun ever. It was my first time out in the public in such 'body-hugging' clothes and I looked hot! (and that's not my comments!). It was also the first time out in public wearing high heels(very high indeed) and make-up! My feet still hurt! Lol! Ultimately, enjoyed myself. One incident that happened was that, since it was full of the queer group and most Kenyans don't know well that Trans girls exist, most people at the party thought I was a Lesbian! (forgive me for tutting my own horn!!). Plus there was this guy who claimed to be bisexual who followed me all over and I couldn't help but think of the way regular girls would get thoroughly hit on by guys in clubs! I was one of them! Finally! That night, I felt things I had never felt before! Things that only existed in my head, my dreams, fantasies. I saw things happen to me, as I do them, that I only saw happening to other girls when I used to go out. I felt on top of the world. The Christian in me kept reminding me to be careful so I was, but I ensured that I enjoyed myself to the max!!!

Somehow, I just narrated my two weeks of existence since the last blog post and well, a lot of other stuff happened but that was, and must have been the most exhilarating week I had ever had!!

I cant wait for another opportunity like that one; but then again, its no longer in the closet! Its all out there. I didn't have a wig, I was myself, completely! Fine, there is still a lot of work to be done on me, but surely I must be thankful! I must give credit where it is due. This luscious body was created by God. And honestly, I AM THANKFUL!!!!!!!

Be Yourselves Y'all!!

Ciao. Mwah!