WHAT'S ME BEEN UPTO?

Hi there peeps! Now, as you all may have seen, I have been posting entries with an date tag; meaning that I have been writing up posts and failing to upload them that same day. :( bad huh? Anyway, its been happening.

So since ranting and raving about my love life on the past post, I remembered that apart from that there has been other stuff that have traspired; stuff that may be of importance to the one wanting to learn more about what it means to be a transgender girl in Kenya. Notice how I refer to myself as 'girl'? Its because I believe I am still young enough to refer to myself as girl and not as woman; just a thought :D!

So for all of you who have been following my love life story, we did meet with A eventually and it was okay. I guess I was just being paranoid or something. Things are good between me and my special friend. I cant complain.

I recently visited a few specialists here and there towards my ongoing transition and I want to share where and what I have been upto.

I went to visit an electrologist. Now, the purpose of this electrologist is to see how I can eliminate semi-permanently the presence of facial hair on my face. Yes . As you all know I shave my face every two days because I still grow that dreadful beard hair! The electrologist is supposed to perform an electrolysis on me which will eventually remove all facial hair semi-permanently. I say semipermanently because if I don't take care of the testosterone in my body; that is eliminate it completely or just reduce it, I will have to keep going back to the electrologist for that procedure. Oh and mind you all this costs money! Where I went it costs $25 for consultation and about $50 for the 30minute procedure! Tough on a cookie like me!! I never got to do it due to finances but I got a prescription for the acne on my face. The 'good' doctor told me that I may wish to concentrate on the acne first before going to the facial hair. I disagreed with him but I never let him know.

So I also went to see an endocrinologist. This is a very important physician in my transition because s/he is the one to ensure that my hormonal balance is in check and that I am taking the correct medications and dosages. So I went to see her for the first time. Before that I was unable to reach her but I finally got her. She is a very good lady and really understand my situation. I was referred to her by my friend who is also a trans woman and her patient. I had gone to her specifically to get a prescription for estrogens since I had been looking around for them with no success. She never gave me the prescription but instead asked me to do several checkups before so that she would know exactly what to prescribe. One of the tests, which I found interesting, was to determine whether or not I have internal female organs! Yes people! She said that one of the reasons behind my rare intersexuality would be the presence of internal fallopian tubes, ovaries and other stuff. Personally I don't think I have ever done such an x-ray. I wonder what my reaction would be if I really do have such in me! Anyways, she also asked me to ensure that I take my pills properly so as to avoid side effects occurring badly. We are dealing with hormones people!!

My friend the trans woman recommended something to me that I had never though of before. She recommended I do a Bilateral Orchidectomy. This is in lay terms a castration! Yes. In order for me to be rid of secondary male characteristics I should get rid of my testes! Ok, if you are male youre probably wondering why the hell I would want to 'cut off' my balls! Well, I'm not actually cutting off anything, I will be simply removing the balls; the scrotal skin cover will still remain! This then definitely means that if I go ahead with the operation, I shall be forever sterile. I shall not be able to have babies of my own. Now for me, I have alsways dreamt of giving birth; not siring babies. Its unfortunate or fortunate but its true. Its the way it is. So my stand is that if I cannot give birth then I cant. Period. I will adopt. My organs may be working perfectly but I cannot comprehend the fact that I 'fathered' a child. That would only happen by accident! So in a nutshell, I am going to do the operation very soon because it eliminates about 95% of all the testosterone production in my body. What does that mean? It means that my body no longer undergoes any further masculinization. It also means that there are side effects. I wish I can tell you more on this but its a lot of info and I'd rather give links such as these.

Finally, work. Work has been fine. As I mentioned earlier, my work is not that involving and part of in is about research. I am yet to teach myself on the methodologies of report writing and proposal writing but I am sure I will get to that sooner rather than later. One of the stuff I have been researching a little on is religion. I had earlier put up a post on the famous Leviticus verses but now I am talking of more than just christianity and whether its for or against homosexuality and/or transsexuality. Thought proviking stuff on the Internet I tell you! Need I say more?


Mambo baad!! (Things are bad!!)

A LOW STREAK? - November 18

It seems lately I have been writing a lot about being low, lots of sad notes. I am not one to remain sad and low all the time but the situation begs to differ. Yes. Times have been sad for me. Indeed I have been low and down, stressed and almost depressed. Just having the blues I guess. :-((.

Somehow, I blame this sadness of sorts on one person, or maybe its the hormones taking a toll on me! :D This one person that I have been referring to as 'my special friend', from today I will call him A.

If there is one thing I dislike is ranting and raving about someone I cherish. Maybe its because I expect nothing but the best from them or something but I just hate being sad especially when its them making me sad.

I haven't seen A for almost two weeks now. We have been talking on phone, yes, almost everyday even, but I just want to see him! I wanna hold him! I want him to hold me! (This must be the very first time I speak candidly about my private life! Hehe!). I want to hear sweet nothings in my ear, someone to listen to my yabber jabber! There is so much on my chest just begging to be off!! The steam is easily let out with my head resting on his chest. Its like a breath of fresh air! I miss him so terribly I'm almost exploding! He has been really busy of late and I'm turning into a worried wife! I don't like this at all! In fact, I must confess, I have been tempted to 'enjoy' myself with one of my admirers but I respect him too much to do that and plus, I really cannot possibly have that in my conscience and keep a straight face. I just cannot be with two men at one time. It just cannot register in my head!

I know this blog is meant to educate people on transgenderism and transsexualism and mostly on a personal view of my life, and I know that today's blog may not necessarily touch on that topic but with all due respect, if I'm gonna tell people about my life in transition ans a Kenyan Transgender girl, then surely the love life of this girl must feature somewhere at one point or the other!

I love what I do, who I am and I'm proud of me. One of the ways I let off steam is through writing. I write on my journal at home and most importantly this blog also is a steam releaser for me. Another way is speaking incoherently, babbling away to myself when I am alone in the office. Self talk. Trust me, it works!! After a 20 minute incoherent babble, I feel much better. Its a sort of therapy for me. One of the ways that I was able to deal with all my issues with me being a transgender.
So now that thats take care of, lets get back to more important issues. My main agenda. I hope I will be posting something else soon because I just gotta share my thoughts soon or I will explode!!!!


Great sharing a bit of my love life with y'all!!!

Interesting Post I Thought I'd Share

Homosexuality and Christianity

This subject will be for a while a very disturbing and troubling topic. That being established, I will share my thoughts.
We need to realise that:-
1. Christianity is one third of the population of the world. I need not say more. Simply, not everyone is a Christian

2. On the Bible issue, look at this letter to a clergy.
 

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.

When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I
simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific
laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do
I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev
19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of
two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16)
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we
do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

 

I believe that, this being an online community, we have the capability of finding out what opinions exist out there and more importantly why they are there.
As a Christian, I find that there is and has always been a whole lot of misunderstanding on what the Bible says and doesnt say. Even Churches differ on stuff, leading them to being different in their own ways, all the same (claiming to) preaching the Word of God.
I go back to one true thing. Jesus came to undo what damage the Old Testament had done. The Bible is and has previously been used to discriminate against people. For example, the Black Revolution in the US was at one point condemned by using the Bible!!! Just do your research.
In plain terms, I am a christian. I do agree that a small part of me will never know truly whether I am doing the right thing, but for now, I leave it as is.
Jesus taught the message of LOVE. Period. He even explicilty gave Two Commandments. I dont have to remind you that.
 
All the same, as a saying goes (and mind my language):

"Opinions are like Arse-holes....everyone has one!!!"

THE LOW DAYS (Dated October 24th)

Well, as the title says, I am, or was, going through one of the lowest moments I've had since I began my journey. There are so many issues that have cropped up that have left me so confused if not stressed and now more than ever I clearly see why I was recently diagnosed with ulcers. The biggest cause of ulcers is stress!!! As of today, I was to meet a special friend of mine but he wasn't able to make it and funny enough it was at this very low moment and I needed him the most. Secondly, I went to town today to meet a friend of mine who I hadn't seen I a long while and the plan was for him to come see my place/house. Somehow I ended up staying in town with him at a pub and having a soda. A friend of his came over and said he was meeting someone else. In the process of waiting for that friend he asked for a phone so he could call him since his had a battery fault and kept going off. I offered him mine (inside my head I thought “well, he's a friend to my friend, and besides, he asked for my friend's phone and he had returned it so...”) and he went out with it since the pub was noisy. A few minutes later I realized that he wasn't coming back so I asked my friend to go look for him. I smelled a rat because my phone didn't have much airtime so there was no way he would have been talking on phone for that long. I got worried and dashed out, pulling my friend out and asking him what sort of nonsense he was trying to pull. He insisted that he never knew why his friend disappeared. I figured in my head that since this was a long time friend I could trust him to get my phone back. So I left. Later that evening I called up my friend using another phone and he said he had tried reaching that guy but wasn't going through. I felt cheated, embarrassed and angry all at the same time. I just couldn't fathom that my friend, someone I had known for over ten years would do such a thing to me!! And even more crazy was that the next day my friends phone wouldn't get through. I just cannot believe it!

Back to my special friend, its been a while since I've seen him and I'm feeling very lonely. I know people may be wondering why I don't call him a boyfriend or my guy. Its simply because I consider him just as that. A special friend. He is more than just a friend. Its just that I don't think I have reached that point where I can comfortably call him my boyfriend or my guy. Until I am okay with that, it will remain as is. And on the same note, until I see him, I will remain miserable.

Still on being low, I recently mentioned that my mom (brave as she is!) went to my grandparents and broke the news (of my situation and subsequent journey into transitioning) to them. It wasn't easy. I'm not sure whether I want to divulge more info on the matter but what I can tell y'all is that one of them wasn't too happy about it at all. They said that I was being deviant, that I was possessed by a demon spirit from the pits of Hell, that I was in dire need of prayers! They even went to the extent of calling up my supportive cousins and telling them not to support what I am doing, that its ungodly that they should instead take me to a renowned local pastor that is known for his (and God's, I presume) ability to perform 'exorcism' on demon possessed persons in the society. It is unbelievable yes, but its the reality. I am still recollecting myself from that massive blow and trying to keep my shoulders held high and my spirituality and faith in God, yes, the same God she believes in.

in as much as I write about being down, I still try to remind myself that its normal to have ups and downs, that we all go through those. And I hope for the best.

The best is yet to come.

A LOVELY POEM...

My Feminine Spirit

There is a young woman inside of me
Lost in a labyrinth within my heart
A butterfly trying to break free from her cocoon
Trying to spread her wings and fly
Longing for acceptance and love
A soul alone trapped in the dark
Many have laughed and criticized her
Others have watched in silence
As this young woman holds her head up high
With courage she absorbs the cruel remarks
On the outside you may see a man
But on the inside she is a lady; a princess
Beautiful and sweet though she may be
Many tears have fallen from her eyes
But still she chooses to hold on
Knowing she will be real one day
As for her truelove
Her Knight in shining armor
He is out there; somewhere
Waiting for her to find her way
Like a bud blossoming into a rose
She blossomed from a man into a woman
This feminine spirit I have inside
A shadow of shame falls onto to her face
As she makes her way through the maze
She prays, prays to Him
In hopes that He will hear her
Forgive me father
All is forgiven
Becoming a Martyr for all to see
Fighting to survive and living to be
For no man or woman
Shall defeat the feminine spirit inside of me

BLAST FROM THE PAST

As I said in a previous blog, I will share with you some of the blasts that I unearthed from my archives.

Here is a letter I had written to God in desperation. I had many of these, I just happened to come across this one. If my prayers were documented, I'm sure they'd fill up a whole library!! Wish I'd remember the day I wrote it though!

Dear God,

Thank you for being there for me. I am in a deep rut and I am afraid I cannot get out. It seems the devil has gotten the better of me. Now I'm too afraid to even face you. I am begging you Lord to purge my spirit. Touch me once more. Touch my mind and remove all these crazy ideologies I may have developed. Please Lord, I'm languishing in torment and the torture is unbearable.

I don't know myself, only God knows me. Only He can do with me what he wants but I have to submit, I cannot be His if I don't change.
Its upto me to become the change I want to see.
Am I truly female? Is there anything such as transgender or gay? Personally I do not understand gayness but the situation I am in really puts me in a total fix!

This question I hate asking; WHY?
Why wasnt I born okay like the rest of the guys?
Why did I become such?
Why is it that my feeling go 'wayside'?
Why oh why?
Is it my fault? Am I to blame?
Did I bring this on myself??

The letter ends there. Its interesting but you tend to see where I was coming from.

I don't want to write much today. Nowadays I seem to read a lot and forget to write about what I'm reading and stuff like that. There are so many issues to deal with, to write about and sometimes, I think that one can never really read everything. So I just tell myself, one day at a time.

Hope to have more juicy stories to write about!

THEM DAYS...

I was rummaging through my old stuff and I came across a journal I wrote when I was having one of 'them days'. I had lots of those. And one way that helped me get through them was through writing down my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Kinda like what I'm doing here. So here it is.

This day was difficult. Something happened and suddenly my peace of mind went blah! I just don't know whats wrong with me. I'm so moody!!! Just now, I smsed my drama director that I will be quitting drama! Just imagine! He has just replied telling me to persevere for a while but I'm telling you the way I feel isn't normal! I don't know whats wrong. I just feel so bad. Everytime I try to be happy I am reminded of my reality; that for me to be true to myself and be happy I have to be myself, and thats not possible right now. Its so saddening. Its so sickening. Makes me feel like cursing the day I was born and altogether giving up on life! Aargh!! I'm saddened sometimes to think that maybe this is what I put on myself. I let this happen to me. Ive always felt pretty and beautiful and today its not like that. Today I'm sad. I'm down. I'm deeply confused, heartbroken, angry, all those mixed feelings! Nowadays I feel like I've lost my glow, the one I had back in high school when I was being hit on my guys knowing perfectly well that it was a boy school! I feel like the manly look is improving by the day. I'm no longer noticeable and even that photo I took of myself looks weird now! Huh! I keep telling myself everyday that I am beautiful both inside and out. I guess it will wade off. These feelings shall go and I will continue with life. But how will it be? I know too well what I am capable of. But I cannot achieve much because I keep holding back. I keep looking over the shoulder. Trying so hard to hide my true self. Trying so hard not to be affected by what people say about me when they see me doing something 'awkward'. I keep reminding myself of my acting skills. I can act like a boy. It will be okay. Even if I'm not one, I can act like one. Maybe it will sink in. The manliness. The masculinity that I so lack. Maybe I will find a way to live this way. Maybe, just maybe. Despite the saying about wishes, I only wish I was on one side. Male or female. Like I would wake up one day and it will be well. That my faith in God somehow makes it happen or someone somewhere gets a sort of vision and makes a prayer and voila! I'm free!! I wish... oh I wish!

It ended that way. Most of it is edited. Some things I couldn't put here. But its what I felt then. About four years ago, when I had just cleared from high school.

TWO WEEKS LATER...

Of late I have not been able to update my blog on the ongoings in my life and its largely because I have been having a lot of work lately thus denying me the luxury of sitting down to come up with comprehensive words describing my near-boring life!

Apart from dissing myself there, life hasn't been met without the usual ups and downs. It sometimes worries me to be writing about me and my life seeing that I personally tend to be very private. It also sometimes saddens me that I don't get to follow my fellow bloggers' blogs properly (as I would like to) because of the lack of time. (I say this despite the fact that we all have 24hrs in a day!!).

Now to update you on what's been happening; what I've been up to, lemme start by telling you that I was diagnosed with Ulcers! Now now, lets not jump into conclusions by saying, “Oh no! Its a case of stress! Oh you poor thing!”. Well, quite frankly, it was! But not entirely though. I also haven't been eating well. You see, I used to work for a catering company (I must've mentioned this somewhere else) and thereby used to eat nice, well cooked, healthy, FREE meals!! Expectedly, I never cooked at home, unless I had visitors over or was on leave. But now, now cooking is something I have to 'reinvent', remind myself. My mom keeps telling me, “If you ever get married, you will be one disappointing wife!”. Funny as it may sound, its not, in reality. In our culture, a young woman should know her way around the kitchen EXTREMELY well. As someone said in a radio recently, a good woman/wife should be a chef in the kitchen, a friend in the living room, a partner in public and a slut in the bedroom!

So, yes. I did have an ulcer scare. It lasted about three weeks and during this time I didnt have any hormones. I felt bad for that but I couldn't help stopping knowing very well that one of the side effects of the drugs is nausea and stuff!

I am now back on meds and I am relatively happy. I say relatively because there are still so many other issues that have been cropping up and its weighing heavily on me. I hope that I will be able to create time so that I can share these issues with y'all. Otherwise for now, I will stop there.


But I will leave you with a question. For those in transition and or completed transitioning, how much did it cost, roughly? Could you break it down simply into total cost, cost of meds, cost of srs(if any) and also into yearly, monthly, weekly and daily costs especially for the hrt(meds).

Thanks y'all. Happy blogging!!